Pregnancy Loss
In the valley.
It’s a guarantee that life will, at some point, become heavy. It’s often not in our control and challenging to accept. Early last December, we discovered I was pregnant. We were over the moon! Mark’s mom and aunt visited for the twins’ Christmas performances for school and church. We were able to share our exciting news with them and celebrate the life that would be joining us mid August.
With Christmas around the corner, we were beyond excited to share this unexpected and extremely exciting news with my side of the family. We were hosting Christmas this year and our house was going to be packed with joy with us all together. “Sounds like a Hallmark movie” my dentist told me as I shared with him at my appointment I was expecting. From that moment on, I could just picture the disbelief and happy tears of our news! Unfortunately, Covid hit our home right before Christmas which canceled plans for us all. The disappointment was unreal, but I hung onto the joy of our precious babe and shared the news over FaceTime. Our stocking tags included, Baby Pinta hung by the fire. The kids together opened their t-shirts sharing the news. Although the news couldn’t be enjoyed together everyone could hardly contain their excitement for precious baby Pinta.
I didn’t feel well about 4 weeks into my pregnancy. I sipped on cans of ginger ale and sucked on preggy pops like candy. On top of this, Covid wasn’t helping. Immediately following Covid I was basically bedridden. Hardly any liquid would stay down. My energy was a joke. Doctor put me on Unisom and B6 which made me tired, but a little less sick. I was so thankful to have Mark home helping with the kids as I could hardly handle even getting dressed for the day.
January 3, my sweet Ellie’s 4th birthday and first ultrasound. Since our plans had completely changed my parents were able to visit at this time allowing Mark to be with me for my first official appointment. We left the appointment with news no one wants to hear, “It appears as if you’ve had a loss. We see a sac, but no fetal pole. Come see us in 11 days to see if anything has changed.” The view of no pumping heart was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever seen.
We lost a chid.
On top of this, my sickness still hung around. Really, really bad too. Without taking morning sickness medicine daily I’m doing nothing but throwing up. With it, I’m a little less sick and a bit more sleepy. My body apparently is still strongly unaware that our baby is no longer with us. My belly is still expanded. My 32-year-old self all arranged to grow this sweet babe. Why didn’t my body get the memo? I will admit I find food quite comforting. With a fuller belly I feel like I can “push through” with what I need to. But If it wasn’t for this intense sickness, I could have very much missed God. Food wasn’t what I needed. I needed Him. I still need Him.
It’s easy to ask the question, “Why?” Life can be painful. Simply unfair. I’ll admit I’ve been a bit angry with all that has happened with me. But I’m fully aware we aren’t designed to understand why God does many things the way He does (Isaiah 55:8). Despite my feelings and what my eyes see, I am confident God is currently at work. (Jeremiah 29:11) He never stops. God knew all along that this would be part of my story. He created our baby with purpose. My Lord is incapable of ever failing me. (Joshua 21:45) Confident in this, I’m going to allow Him to be my refuge (psalm 46: 1-3). He will wipe every tear; There have been many tears. My goal has always been heaven and my baby is now in the arms of their precious creator. It’s so easy to distance heaven from this life, but in reality heaven is the only true hope we can count on.
I know I’m far from alone in walking in this grief. My heart truly breaks for anyone facing this much pain. I don’t care how common it is, it’s still extremely hard. I hope to encourage you to run into His arms. I hope you know that your baby matters.
To the many mommas expecting, please don’t hesitate to share your excitement with me! We are called to rejoice with one another and momma I am rejoicing with you!! I am on my knees in prayer daily for friends expecting and don’t doubt for a second God is listening. Share your joy! Precious babies are meant to be always celebrated!
I will still sing of the goodness of God! He is faithful through it all!